i made a pact with my mind

Devious Journal Entry

2009-04-21T00:01:33Z

Come On Angel Don't You Cry

2008-11-19T22:08:25Z

God, it feels good to be back on the internet. My laptop died on me. It sucked. And I got a ridiculous number of emails.

I don't actually know what was wrong. I got someone else to fix it since my attempts failed.
I don't care, though. All that matters is that it's working.

Sadly, my SkyPlayer still doesn't work. It's still telling me to phone customer services but I haven't yet. I tend not to take orders from inanimate objects even if I do talk to them - and shout at them.

Ah well. Ce la vie. If I spelt that right.
You'd never guess I spoke French.

- - - - -

I've circled around in my obsessions. My music obsessions, at least.
It took two years but I'm addicted to My Chemical Romance once again. Not The Black Parade, mind you - TBP's still mostly annoying me - but I've fallen back in love with Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge (I never really fell out of love with Bullets). Cemetry Drive has been stuck in my head all day and I actually haven't complained.
...
Okay I have but only a little bit. And even when I did complain I didn't really mean it.

I'm beginning to feel a little fan-girl-y.
*shudders*

- - - - -

I'm out,
I wanna enjoy this good mood while it lasts,
Kit
xoxo

sidenote:
Quite surprisingly the William Control thing went very well.
(can't be bothered writing a whole entry on it)
It actually made me feel so better.
Why is beyond me; I don't think I'll ever really understand how my mind works.

kittycaterocker @ 2008-10-30T17:02:00

2008-10-30T17:02:37Z

I finally escaped yesterday; a friend and I got the train into Liverpool. It was a good distraction.

My friend bought William Control's new album Hate Culture and we sat reading the booklet on the train journey back. To say that the lyrics are depressing would be a severe understatement. Reading it definitely did not put me in a good state of mind; it took away the whole purpose of the day to be honest. Thinking that listening to it would only put me in a bad mood, I decided I'd wait a little while before listening to it and so we said that we'd listen to it during lunch next week when we're back in school and I will have something to take my mind off of things.

Of course, making something off limits makes it all the more tempting to do it - or in this case listen to it. I caved; only after watching the William Control Kerrang!Podcast on youtube from which I gained a new understanding of the album. With this new understanding (actually it isn't so much an understanding as it is further insight); with my newly aquired insight I set off on the mission that could potentially - though I know somehow that it won't - send me back into the state I was in only a few days ago.

I guess that we'll see.

When, the mission is complete, which I think may take some time, I will write some more but until then I may be a little quiet.

Happy Halloween for tomorrow,
xoxo
kit

If anyone is interested, below is the video for Beautiful Loser. If you listen to the lyrics well you may understand where I'm coming from.

kittycaterocker @ 2008-10-28T15:48:00

2008-10-28T15:48:58Z

if i go crazy then will you still call me superman?
if i'm alive and well will you be there holding my hand?

kittycaterocker @ 2008-10-28T15:39:00

2008-10-28T15:40:01Z

Wow. I think today is making me realise just how much I missed my livejournal account. It's a life saver. Or at least a sanity saver.

I think it's the lack of contact with anyone outside my family.
Me + My Thoughts = Very Bad Combo.

Stupid half-term break. Not that I'm not thankful for it - eight weeks of school is more than enough for me - just that I haven't properly spoken to my friends in, like, *counts on fingers* (yes, I actually had to count it on my fingers) five days. Wow, that does not say much for my mental state. Or rather it says a lot for my mental state, just none of it good. I've already had to fall back on both music and books to distract myself from...well...myself, I guess. It cannot be a good thing that I drive myself nuts that easily.

God forbid the day I ever have to live by myself...
with nothing to do...
for long periods of time...
*shudders*

Yep, I'm going to end up in a looney bin.

Or maybe just completely psycho.

I apologize now to anyone who has the misfortune of having to put up with me in one of these states.

I suppose that includes my family, but I'm pretty sure (about 99%) that they don't read any of this.

*sigh* Maybe I should write more. Eclipse clearly stopped working as a distraction.

Maybe I should draw.

I think Rach has my sketchbook.
Hmm...I may have to kill her...
Or just gouge out her eyes (not that that will change anything she has already seen)...
Oh, maybe I should erase her short-term memory, that might work.

Oh, typing of crazy ideas I wonder where I put the plans for the super robot that we came up with in our physics lesson.
I could draw that.
It has a special ice-cream freezer.
hm-mm
it does
(oh dear Jashin, it's spreading to typing. It's all Alii's fault.)

*sigh* Nevermind.

Apparently more insane than normal,
xoxo
kit

ps:
No, I'm not too sure how the Naruto reference ended up in there either. I haven't watched that in forever.

edit:
I'm not sure that I've emphasised this enough but my friends do wonders for my sanity, as insane as they may be themselves.

They do not get nearly enough credit, or praise, or whatever it is I'm trying to ~~say~~ type for what they do for me.

If I handled soppy, feeling-y stuff even remotely well I'd tell them that face-to-face...but I don't, so I can only hope that if they do happen to read this they will be sensible enough not to bring it up and will choose instead to live with my stoic insanity like they have done for longer than any person should have to. (I do apologise for this - sincerely.)

Although, I have to admit sensible isn't usually a word I've match with my friends.

kittycaterocker @ 2008-10-28T11:40:00

2008-10-28T11:40:37Z

I lay here ~~somewhere in the sands of time~~ in my bedroom bored as hell and just a little sleepy; although that is to be expected since I have been awake since this time yesterday and I am currently running on two cups of very strong coffee - some of which I managed to spill on my keyboard, which is currently bearing with me even in it's over-used state (I've been doing a fair bit of writing lately, some of which I may post here for the sake of a friend who I know is dying to read it). Aah the joys of having a laptop; it's advantage over the competition of a desktop PC? Simple really. It's quieter - much quieter - meaning that I can type away to my hearts content into the early hours of the morning without waking anybody else in the house.

Hmm...I lost track of my point. Oh well.

For the past, shall we say, eleven hours I have spent my time laying in bed reading, writing and listening to 3 Doors Down - on repeat. Much like everyone else I have been dragged into reading Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series, though as bizarre as it may seem I was actually dragged into it by myself (it's best not to try and figure out how my mind works; the best have tried. They failed - miserably). I read the first book a few weeks ago in one sitting which lasted approximately four hours before I started the second - New Moon. The second I found more difficult to get into; although you can't blame me since Bella (the main character) for a little more than the first half of the book is moping because the 'love-of-her-life' left her (she even goes as far as to imagine his voice in her head - bizarre? I think so). Now contrary to popular belief(sp?) I am not completely heartless and I can actually relate to how she's feeling, but to mope for over half of the book is just a tad excessive.

Of course I did rather enjoy getting to know our dear doggy friend Jacob a bit better. The whole book, however, I thought was a bit predictable - maybe with the exception of the twist that triggers the reappearance of the Cullens, or more specifically Edward. This may just be damned English Literature ruining reading for me, though, with all its foreshadowing and authors' techniques. Whilst I find them incredibly interesting, and perhaps even useful, in terms of my own writing I must say that I despise it when it comes to reading other books. It's seems the subject is no longer content with taking any enjoyment out of reading the texts we study but also the books I choose to read of my own free will and enjoyment. I can only hope that I will gradually forget everything I have learned in the subject after our exams in June. Unfortunately June is still a long time away, who knows how many books it could ruin for me.

It seems I have, or at least supposedly have, a life outside of my books, my computer and my room. One that requires me to leave my bedroom and - according to my younger siblings - my house.
Ah, the secrets my kryptonite will never know - ever, if I have anything to say in the matter.
Will you still call me Superman?

xoxo
kit

kittycaterocker @ 2007-09-24T21:41:00

2007-09-24T21:05:16Z

This popped up in my email inbox and I thought it was funny.

1. ...hearing any of the following noises immediately perks your interest: static, a heart monitor, or faint explosions.

2. ...someone says, "No fucking way!" and the first thing you think it, "Aw, that sucks; he's still on his honeymoon too!"

3. ...you boycott Aqua Teen Hunger Force because there is NO WAY it is better than The Breakfast Monkey.

4. ...you know which member of the band makes Bob Bryar's heart burn.

5. ...you really DO know what they do to guys like them in prison.

6. ..you, too, were killing before killing was cool.

7. ...you know that homophobia is gay and that Frank Iero is "a monster".

8. ..you raise your hand in history class when the teacher is talking about the astroid that killed the dinosaurs and say, "Ah, but that fucking astroid missed the Torosaurus!"

9. ...you know that pears really ARE good organic.

10. ...thanks to that one fan letter session, you know the meaning of the phrase "haute couture."

11. ..you have begun at least one conversation with, "What's the worst that I could say?"

12. ...you have ended at least one conversation with, "So long and goodnight."

13. ...after the release of The Black Parade, you began referring to you mother as either "Mama" or "Mother War" whenever you got mad at her.

14. ...you know that there are teenagers, and then there is "Teenagers."

15. ...you still mourn the death of Pansy.

16. ...you can make the connection between the phrase "back in black" and Gerard Way's hair.

17. ...you keep an eye out for a certain bum everytime you go to San Francisco.

18. ...you find it extremely ironic that the guys used to be baffled as to why so many people thought they were vampires, but you read the warning against illegal copying on the first CD.

19. ...you can make the connection between the letters "NJ" and the inside of the lower lip.

20. ...you support Bob Bryar's solo project.

21. ...you crossed out "Halloween" on your calendar and replaced it with "Frank Iero's Birthday."

22. ..you crossed out "New Year's Eve" on your calendar and replaced it with "Bob Bryar's Birthday."

23. ...you look out your window on a rainy day, see all the people with umbrellas, and think, "Wow, the Academy is really growing!"

24. ...you have unleashed the fucking bats.

25. ...you find it extremely funny that a certain guitarist who cannot swim totally rocks at the song "Drowning Lessons."

26. ...when you heard Gerard got engaged, you thought to yourself, "Huh, I guess he DID go off to "find another Way."

27. ..when someone asks you how you are feeling when you are sad, you respond, "I'm not okay."

28. ...you have taken duct tape and a sharpie to your street sign and changed the street name to Cemetery Drive.

29. ...someone offers to tell you a riddle and you ask, "That depends...is it that riddle of revenge?"

30. ...there is only one saint that you worship, and that is the Patron Saint of Switchblade Fights.

31. ...when you are sick of your face, you are allowed to be sick of your face, cuz it's your fucking face.

32. ...you hear the word "bunny" and think of a cat.

33. ..."Traitors!"...

34. ...you actually KNOW how to pronounce Frank Iero's last name ("eye-ear-oh").

35. ...when breaking up with someone, you have used the line, "Honey, this mirror isn't big enough for the two of us."

36. ...when someone breaks up with YOU, you have shouted after them, "You didn't even have the guts to say, 'I don't love you like I loved you yesterday,' you bastard!"

37. ...someone mentions angels and you think, "Headfirst for Halos!"

38. ...you wonder why the anthem didn't explain it, anyway.

39. ...you have done or died.

40. ..everytime you are faced with a difficult descision, you think to yourself, "Could I? Should I?"

41. ...you know that celebrities die by threes.

42. ...you know that dead cartoon people are not the only ones who can have X's over their eyes.

43. ...you don't keep any garlic or a crucifix around because you know that vampires will never hurt you.

44. ...everytime you play cards, you remove the "wild-eyed jokers" from the deck.

45. ...you can go skydiving because you lost your "fear of falling."

46. ...you hear anything that relates to William Shakespeare, and the first words in your head are "Juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands..."

47. ..any guy ever comes up and asks for a tit show and you spit in his face and yell, "FUCK. YOU!"

48. ...you hear the beginning of an MCR song on the radio and think, "Oh baby here comes the sound!"

49. ...after The Black Parade came out, you changed your zodiac sign to Cancer.

50. ...that sound of the drumsticks clicking at the end of "Teenagers" is the TRUE end of the song.

51. ...all you are is bullets.

52. ...you have walked into a candy store and said, "Gimme all your poison!"

53. ..if the employee at the above candy store complied, you responded with, "Thank you for the venom!"

54. ...you won't go down by yourself, but you'll go down with your friends.

55. ...your weapon of choice is a croquet mallet.

56. ...you still can't look at orange crayons without blushing.

57. ...you have refused to swim in a pool because the lifeguard was "dressed in red and blue"...

58. ...you know the difference between immortality and never dying.

59. ...someone says, "NOW!" and you instinctively respond with, "But I can't!"

60. ...for prom, you went up to your friends/date and asked, "Now don't I look pretty walkin' down the street in the best damn dress I own?!"

61. ...you aspire to own a Benz someday for the sole purpose of driving ninety past the Barbies and Kens.

62. ...someone proposes marriage to you, and you look them in the eye and ask, "If you marry me, would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end?"

63. ...everytime you see a flock of doves, you instinctively look for a bullet.

64. ...you've looked in the mirror and not liked what you saw.

65. ...someone asks you how you'd feel if you met MCR, and you respond with, "Tongue-tied and oh so squeamish..."

66. ...you have wondered what would happen if Little Red Ridinghood heard about track 7 on TBP...

67. ...you work in a densely-packed office building and have had "Cubicles" on repeat for an hour or more.

68. ...when you're in over your head, you have said, "Heaven help us!"

69. ...someone near you starts smoking, and you play "Cancer" pointedly in their direction.

70. ..every single time you are in an elevator, you immediately check to see if it "only goes up to ten."

71. ...you get pissed off at your boyfriend and tell your friends, "He's not around, he's always looking at men."

72. ...you wonder if Gerard singing "Way down" in "Cemetery Drive" has anything to do with the fact that his brother, Mikey, "died" in the video for "The Ghost of You."

73. ...when you're running late for something and your mom or dad says, "We have got to go!" you echo them out of habit and maybe even wave a lighter for dramatic effect.

74. ...any story beginning with "Long ago" immediately causes you to think, "just like the hearse. You. Died to get in again..."

75. ...you do not "light" matches; you "strike" them.

76. ...someone says they'll give you anything, and you say, "Fine, how about a thousand bodies piled up?"

77. ...you adore every inch of sanity.

78. ...you don't just stand, you stand up fucking tall!

79. ...you have given out invitations for some event, and you have written on them "Now come one, come all to this tragic affair..."

80. ...screw skinny jeans; what's in is despair!

81. ...you refer to what you get out of those annoying little prize machines that rarely ever hang onto the stuffed animals inside of them as "the winnings."

82. ...the only "Rmy" you're ever joining has an "MC" in front of it, thankyouverymuch.

83. ..you own Bob Bryar's Book of Cats.

84. ...you know that Skeleton Crew does not, repeat, not refer to the undead seadogs of "Pirates of the Caribbean".

85. ...you use "MCR Speak" to mess with people's minds (ex. "Yeah, ever since the breakup, Revenge-5. Seriously, you'd think my ex could've said Parade-6 before he left me for that bitch. Fuck Bullets-1!" in which "Revenge-5" translates to "I'm not okay" and "Parade-6" translates to "I don't love you," and "Bullets-1" translates to "romance".)

86. ...in the spirit of the above, your copy of "Life on the Murder Scene" is Parade-2 from so many viewings.

87. ...when going to meet Ray Toro, you wear a t-shirt with a picture of a cupcake and the words "We Will Always Remember."

88. ...you name your guitars.

89. ...you have Lasik surgery, then announce a funeral time and date for your old glasses.

90. ...you do not aspire to be famous; you aspire to be Ghostbuster famous.

91. ...every time you avenge yourself, you cheer three times.

92. ...they are Your Chemical Romance.

93. ...you're an animal that never paid attention in school.

94. ...you are not afraid to walk this world alone.

95. ...you know that certain guitarists should not balance on top of certain drumsets during certain live tv shows.

96. ..you rock out just for the dead.

97. ...when your significant other calls, you answer with "Hello, angel, tell me where are you?"

98. ...you only take trains out of New Orleans.

99. ..you are a certified "bunk-diver."

100. ...you know what a bed of roses and a gun have in common.

101. ...you know that the end is only the beginning. Then there's "DEAD!", "This is How I Disappear," "The Sharpest Lives,"...